Am I lonely or do I really miss him?

Recently I broke it off with my boyfriend just before I went to America. This was the second time we had broken up and it was for good.

After the first time we broke up all I did was cry and listen to sam smith on repeat. I was a huge emotional mess and all my tweets hinted I wish we were back together. We eventually got back together after we met up and I told him I realised how much of an idiot I was.

Upon the second – and final break up – I was a dick and did it over text again and didn’t even feel guilty. I removed him off all my social media and deleted his number and ignored all of his texts. I didn’t cry once and was honestly relieved that we weren’t together anymore and felt pretty free. I went out clubbing a lot and flirted with any boy who would give me the time of day. I was loving single life!

While away in America I didn’t even think of Boys and Just enjoyed my time and the friendships I built. I danced in clubs without a care in the world and my confidence was sky high, I had never been happier. He also moved on pretty fast so it showed he mustn’t have loved me that much.

But since being home things are back to reality and I do miss him. All my friends have told me that its not him I miss its the companionship and the routine. Which in part is true – however the more time I’m home the more I realise its him I miss and everything about him. I keep comparing now to a year ago – when we first met – and how much happier I was. I was partly happier because I had a much bigger social group and friends constantly around me but also because he was my first real boyfriend and first love which was a very exciting and new time. Things now are extremely different. I don’t have many friends, with them all being in university, my social life doesn’t exist, I’m very stressed with applying to university, and a nun has more of a love life than me.

I think the saddest part of the relationship I realise now is that I did love him and he never knew. I didn’t tell him once how much he meant to me or that I got butterflies in my tummy every time he held my hand. And i knew i loved him after about our 5th date but was too afraid to ever say anything, I felt it was easier to end stuff when I didn’t know what I was feeling than to work things through. However, I did need to end it with him when I went to America as this was something I needed to do alone and I learnt so much about myself while i was away and grew up.

I’m trying to adapt to completely new life and because of this I think I am wishing I was back to a time where I was truly happy and had little or no responsibilities, a life of ease. However, the reality is that I cant go back to this life and need to move on from him and this old life.

The difficulty in this day and age is that you don’t meet new people! Tinder is seen as more of a game and I can chat to a guy for while and then I get ghosted (this has happened more times than I would like to admit). Its very difficult to find ‘boyfriend’ material in a club at 2:30 am on a Saturday when you are both highly intoxicated. For these reasons Iv’e realised I will be single for around the next 8-15 months.

I will never regret ending stuff when I did but I wish it was done on better terms so that when we see each other out I could say Hi or ask him how he is because he was my best friend, and I miss the friendship more than anything.

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